I realised many things over the last few years, as I committed to really working with my body, honouring my cycle and finding ease and flow. The biggest realisation?
That softening is actually far harder than surviving.
If you have followed me for some time, you might know my story, well at least the parts I share. I have, in my almost 47 years, experienced alot. A healthy dollop of childhood trauma, a dash of starting over in new countries, a separation, single parenting, financial struggles, career stress, mental health blips, parenting children with disability and additional needs, miscarriage, premature delivery, and solo entrepreneurship, through the last decade which of course brought us through covid, storms, floods and so many challenges. It’s been a wild ride, but think more house of horrors than Disneyland.
For most of my life, I used each new assault on my security to build an extra chink in the armour. Create another layer in the protective walls that kept me “safe” and allowed me to survive. Honestly it worked pretty well, as I most surely survived 100% of my toughest days.
However I started to realise that I was missing something. It was as if there was a piece out of place, a hole that, not only could I not fill no matter how hard I worked, or what I achieved, and I started to feel more broken than ever.
Ironic because the more secure and content my life became, the more broken I felt. You might know the feeling x
I was ticking all the boxes, good nutrition, regular workouts, consistent work, steady home life. But the essence of me was further away than she had ever been.
So I did what I do best and went far, far down a rabbit hole of possible reasons. Hormones, mental breakdown, burnout, depression were all pretty likely candidates, but something didn’t quite add up. Until I was enjoying a little light* reading in the form of “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk and suddenly I understood.
My body was holding every trauma, upset and tension that I had not “had the time” to deal with. I could feel how my heart would race if someone slammed a door, my stomach would turn at the thought of making a mistake or my whole body tensed if someone was mocking or condescending, even if it wasn’t directed at me. My body was responding even though my mind was sure it was fine.
In all my grit and determination, I had pushed through, hustled hard and kept it all together, and now I was left with a body full of responses that had no current context. The body and the mind were not connected, and so none of my healing or growing was landing. In the interest of full disclosure, I seriously considered declaring myself done with this healing, growing, self development nonsense and living in blissfully medicated burnout mode, as that seemed easier, but wouldn’t you know I do love a challenge.
So I went looking for methods, therapists, modalities that worked in a somatic approach, combining mind and body to integrate and release my trapped tension. I researched somatic psychology, yoga, breath work, energy healings, somatic dance, fascia release and somatic and neurogenic healing and explored different combinations that work for me. Want to know what I found?
It’s hard. I mean like, crazy hard. Breaking the patterns and habits you needed to survive feels wrong. It’s scary, and uncomfortable and for me it got more raw and messy and emotional than I imagined. It was relearning how to be in the world. Retraining myself to socialise, and interact, to feel into situations instead of going through the motions.
It was like changing the picture from black and white to colour.
Once you start really allowing yourself to put down the shards of the obstacles that have built your armour, the domino effect is inevitable. Piece by piece your body will unravel the shocks, surprises, waves of guilt, grief and shame, so many of which you didn’t even recall. At the start you might even feel more broken. Having old pain leave your tissues is, I imagine, not dissimilar to losing a pound of flesh. Things start to move and the foundations take a minute to resettle.
Once they do, a softer version emerges, but do not confuse softness with weakness! Soft has a strength and capacity that your armoured self can only dream of. An ability to respond rather than react. The capacity to look deeper at relationships, especially with yourself, and see what really matters. The wisdom to feel when something doesn’t work for your body and actually honour that. Softer you uses no without explanation, moves through her day with more grace, and in the face of stress and tension knows how to respond rather than react.
Softer you is a superhero. Like all origin stories though, there are trials and tribulations. It will not be easy. It will take time, and there is no fairy godmother with a magic wand. Putting down the old stories, patterns, habits and pain is a huge task, but believe me when I tell you that you deserve it.
Softening into the version of you that you were meant to be is the side quest every woman should take. Once you do, you give yourself full, unbridled permission to thrive.
I promise you, you wont regret it x
*If I had a sarcasm font I would use it here! This one is heavy, but honestly game changing
Jess is now offering Spinal Attunement sessions in Craughwell and online to support your somatic healing journey.
These are also part of the new transformational Connect and Flow coaching program. To book a consultation call for either click through here.